Lifestyle

Welcome to Ask Ashley! Where our favorite advice columnist, Ashley Khan, answers questions about dating, relationships, friendships, and more!

Tanya B. asks: Hey Ashley, my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now; we’ve talked about getting married and I want to propose, but I haven’t yet because I’m worried that she wants to be the one to propose! Should I just keep waiting? Should I propose anyway? Help!

Ashley says: This is something I believe can be solved with clear, explicit communication. You can ask your girlfriend if she wants to be proposed to or if she wants to propose. If you want it to be more of a surprise there are ways that you can be a little more lowkey about it, like showing her one of those cute wholesome proposal videos, and saying “how would you react to a proposal like that?” or something along those lines. Good luck Tanya!

Anonymous asks: My coworker keeps making unsolicited comments about my body, saying that I’m inviting his comments by wearing “revealing” outfits (I dress business casual, we work in an office). AITA for stapling his hand to my desk last time he came over to talk to me? My friends say that I’m in the right but I feel kinda bad.

Ashley says: Nope! If he didn’t want his hand stapled, he shouldn’t have approached your desk. Or he should’ve known better than to leave his hands so exposed, he was basically inviting a staple through the hand.

Trevor D. asks: Hi Ashley, I love my boyfriend a lot, but sometimes when we argue he lashes out and yells at me. He always apologizes immediately afterwards and I always forgive him because I can tell he genuinely feels bad about it. I think he acts that way because it’s how his parents argued when he was growing up. I told him that maybe he should start going to therapy to help him cope with his feelings, but he seemed to be upset with me for suggesting it, and now is acting kind of distant and is giving me the silent treatment. Did I do something wrong? I could really use some opinions on the whole situation, thanks.

Ashley says: No Trevor, you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes couples have issues that can’t be solved on their own, and it’s very strong of you to recognize when you need some outside help. To me it seems that lashing out in anger is so ingrained in your boyfriend that it’s become a part of who he is, a part of his personality, so much so that the thought of getting help with that issue feels like a threat to his personhood. It also could stem from a feeling of shame on his end, at not being able to handle his emotions without external help. In either case, it may be beneficial to let him know that you understand that he may need some space to process what he’s thinking, but it’s hurting you to be ignored. If he does genuinely feel bad when he hurts your feelings, this should at the very least restart the dialogue between you too. And when he’s ready to talk, let him know that you love him, that you just want to see him be the best version of himself, and that there’s no shame in getting help. I hope everything works out for you two!

Rose O. asks: I need some advice Ashley, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month now, and things have been going really well! He’s kind and thoughtful and sweet, we really hit it off and it seemed like we were on the same page about a lot of our opinions, that is until just recently. I just found out not too long ago that he donates monthly to one of those anti-Visitor organizations, I can’t remember what it was called but it’s one of those organizations that holds rallies and does research into anti-Visitor weapons. This just kind of blindsided me because I’m a member of The Welcome Committee, and I’m very vocal about it. I’ve definitely mentioned it to him before and he never said anything. I like him a lot, but I don’t know how I feel about dating someone whose views are so opposite to mine. What should I do? Do you think I could change his opinion?

Ashley says: This is something that you two will need to sit down and have a serious talk about. When it comes to the subject of Visitors, what you think of them is less of an opinion and more of a core moral value, which is not something that two people in a relationship can afford to disagree on. Figure out exactly where he stands, and take that at face value. If you’re not okay with who he tells you he is, then it may be time to call it quits. Don’t attempt to change him, because for all you know, he might be thinking the same thing about you, trying to figure out a way for you to agree with his opinions, the same way you’re trying to get him to agree with yours. If your entire relationship consists of you trying to change the other person you’re with, you don’t really want to be with that person, you want to be with someone else, and it will ultimately leave both of you unhappy. I wish you all the best, anonymous.

Anonymous asks: M̴̨̨̧̛͈͉̗̝̱͔͈̳̣̟̥̥͉͖̥̫̝̑̍̎͊̊͝y̷̛̼͍̓̾́̒͛͂̾̾͑̈͋̓́͌͌̅͊̓̇͒͑͑̀͒͝͠ ̴̨̨̟̞͖̫͊̊̂͗̿̑͒̌̉͑̓̃͆̈̐̽̊͂̏̚͝͝g̴̢̨͖͉͙̘̪̣̤͍̪̲̥̱̳̖̤̫̟̬̙̩̹̮̮̙̤̾̀́̓̈́̓̓͐̀͑̃̚͝i̸̢̦͂́̽͌͆̂͒̓͒͊͂̊͑͌́͐͗͌̏̽̕̕͝r̷̨̨̭̘̙͚̲̬̖͑̅͌̅̓ļ̴͎͙̘̙͕͌̎̾̄̀͗͗̅̒̌̉̇̆͋̀͊͑̅͒͆́̇̀̕͝f̷̢̮̘̜͕̘͔̈́̈́̓́͐ṙ̷̡̲̗͈̘̏͋͐̔͗̃̓̔͊̂̈́̓͘͝͝͝i̸̛̼̟̼̪̪̹͖̥͚͓̳̤͎͓̱̮͖̳̟̤̰̫͇͎̹͋̈́̆̓͊̒́̆̒̑̏͊͐̚͜e̴̢̧̧̛̬̝̜͔̗͍̞͓̭͓̦̪̟̺̙̙̭͓̞͔̳̭͛́̂͒͗̐̋̈ͅn̷̳̰̯̺̜̾̊̔̒̈́͊͋̑̌̓̌̇̓̆͗̋̍̃̋͗͛̽̎͘̕͘͝͝d̸͇̟̜̞͇̪̹͍͖̳̩͕̣̩̰̆̾͑͂́͗͐̔̌̈́͝͠͝ͅ ̴̪̺̺͓̈́̔̆͆̋̒̿̑̅̎̌̿̋̃̎̄̆̃̇̏̕̚͘͘͝ẃ̶̡̨̧̛͇̟̤̭͙̦̘͚̫̹̩̫̰̹͓̥̤̪͐̊̈́́̊̎̍͑̈̚͜a̷̡̛̪͇͕̱̰̩̖͈̩͓͍͚͎͚̲̜̥̻̿̏̈́͋̈́͋̃̀̾̄͊̊̉̅̏̏͒̊̎̾̏͌̄͆͘͝͝n̸̺̻͂͂̒̇̀́̽͑̚͝͝t̷̟̙̟͈̫̤͇̱͈̠̳̘̙͎̙̜̭͒̀̒̾̍̈́̐̐͗̓̏̾̄͛̀͛̐̋͌̒̔̚͘͘̕͠͠͝͠s̷̡̡̧͔̣̳̺̻̱̹̱̫͈͔͖͍̣̋̔͌̄͛͒̋̾̇͐̈́̐̈́̎̊̋̿̍̕̕͠͝ ̷̡̧̢̨̛̳̞͎̳̮̥̭̫̖̞̜͎̩͖́͛͂͛̔̊̾̈́̊̊̿͑̿̈́̊̎̿́̓͋͋̕̕͝͝t̵̞̋̇̓͌̀̓̂́̃̓ͅó̵̻̹̠͔̭̲̟̭͚̜̯̪̿̃͘ ̵͔̙̰̰̗̗̖͋̓̌̈́͒̈́̈́̽̓͛̐̔̉̚b̵̛̰̻̫̦̮̠̗̬̮̪̥̖͍̮͉͇͉̥̰̰̯͍̬͇̙̣͚͂̃̃͂̌̔͆̋̾͠l̷̢̢̧̛̰̰̬̘͉̺̝̻̭͚̼̲͉̦̤͈̼̥̃̓̊̀̅̔̿͂̾́̉́̎͝ȋ̸̡̡̺͇̖̟̻̮͖͔̲̹̫͕̭̮̝̙̤̙̼͔̮̓̓̒͜ͅͅͅn̴̡̧̢̛̲̳̦͈̣̙̦̮̲̳̙̥̤̹͗͂̐͋͗̽͑͊̈́͂̓͂͊̚̕͠ͅd̸̨̢͔̬͍͍̫͚͚͓̩̺̬̍̀̆̑̚͜ ̶͓̏͋̇͆͑̒̀̒͒̈̏͑͗̈́̀͗̎̉͗́͑̐̓̐͒̈́̕͘͜͝h̸͇͕̖̖̞̯͚̉̅͛̀e̵̩̺͉͚͚̣̤̟͎̝̟̙̜̠̪̲̟̹͈̎̈́̾͛͒̈̈r̵̘̱̠̙̗̯̭̜̈́̎͌̄̔̈́̀̋̋͜ͅs̴͖̯̼͎͕͖̗̤̩̪̒͆̇͝ȩ̷̧̝͈̣̭͈͓͕͓̻̖̭͋̒ļ̶̢̧͍̫̯̳͈͍̦̘̯̹͖͎̺̲͙̜̪̪͇̪͔̠̤̹̹̍̾̏̈́͋̏̽̈́̓̇̇̓̏́͒̔͠f̵̡̤̗̘͕͕̬̺̺̪͙̝̭̼̥̲̻̜̮͂̃̐͗͗̄̃̊̃̌́̌͜͝ ̵̢̛̮̗̬̗̱̮̜̱̗̜̟̲̗̩̳͔̥̖̠͓͖͉̬̦̗̗̆͆̑̅̑̋̍̎̆͌̓͆͆̂̓͗̑̓̈̍̍͊̍̓̊͘͘͘͜s̸̛̘͚̩͓̠͍͓͙͇͈͆͑̾̽̆̎͊͒̎̍̀̓͂̌̈̀̄̒͆̚̚̕͠͠ͅo̶̡̨̮͖̮̮̖̜̯͍͓͉͋͠ ̵̧͔̜̦͚̥̞̘̝̼͓̰̩͇͈̜͇͉̫̞̭̒͆͗̏̒̋̊̈́̆̌̊͆͆͘̕ͅt̶̨̼͙̟͔̝̯̫̙͙̫̲̭͙͚͉̜̟͎̬͎̦̱̥̉̎̑̈̎́̉̈́̓̏̋̈́͋͒͌͊̑̍̍̿̈́̂̍̕͠͝ȟ̶̡̡̧̳̻̘̲̩̝̒̍̍̒̽͂̿̑̏̃̄̈́̒͛̎̀́̍̊a̶̫̫̻̗̙͙̐t̸̢̛̛̪̩̩̪̜͓̙͔̼̦͕̩̒͐͆̍́͋̾̇̓́̏̇͋͘̚̕͠ͅ ̷̢̨̗̟̬̝͙̟̭̰̤̮͚̙̣͕̩͌̅̎͐̍́̀̾́̐̐̊͆̍̋̔͜͠͝͠ͅw̸̮̩͙͚̻͓̻͙͎̰̖̝̞̦̳͇͆͑̃e̸̢̹͚̫͖̤̮͖̻̮͙̻̪̜̻̠͙̣̱̼͉̲͙̦̯̟͒͗̐͜ ̷̨͕̩̜͉̩̝̹͙̞͔̹̏̿̎̿̂̍̌̍̌͌̔̀̐̀̊̕͝c̸̡̫̣̱̪̠͓͉̼̦̼͖͚̱̐͗͐͋̌̈̓͋a̴̡̻͈͉͎̪͔̞͇͕͂̐̇͑̈́̓̚͝n̶̡̡͕̝͙̠̞̰̝͗̈́͑́͛̿͊̈́̿̽̒͆͋̇̏̇̐̃̃̕͘͠͝͠͝ ̷̢̦̲͕̹̝̖̠̥̪̂d̷̢̧̢̡̘̥̫̭̝̣͙̼̯͕̝͚̹̪̞̹̻͓́́̊̄́̅̆̽͌͂͋͑̌̓̾̈́̏̅̀̋̕͠ͅą̸̧̧̨̤̰̬̪̱̦̯̲̻̘̰̖̖͍̮̒̆̀͆̀̔̍͐̐̊̓͑̒̔̒͋͜͝t̷̨̛̠̬̦̪͔̳͓̭̖̗̺̠̰͈̖̪̳̓̊͗͌̔̿́́̆́͝e̵̢̡̟̖̖̫͖̻̗͖͍͙̺̫͉̯̩̜͉̓̒̑̓̈̃̑̔̀̆̌̔͗̓́͌͂̾̅̎̍͘̚̚̚̕͠͠?̶̡̡̳̤̭̘̥̣͖̼͕̪̤͍̝̘͎͕͓͉̯̣̩̻͕̗͙͈̀̈́̓̌̆̇̚͜ ̴͉̖̮̞͓̩̲͉͚͍͎̩̔̓̀̍̿́̃H̷̡̨̧̢̤̤͓̪̘͕̬̥̝͇̦̭̪̝͎̝̗̱̼̽̂̇́̍̿̀̊̈́̆̊͝ơ̴͔̏̈́̈̀́̍͒̈̀̀͌̃͒̍͑͐̌͂̀͐́̆͋͝͠͝ẇ̶͓ ̶̛̙̐̎̿̃̅̆̀̌̈͐̈́̋͆̀̎͂̾͐͆̎͊͗̓͠͠d̷̢̧̧̥̤̩̜͕̙̪̥̟̙̭̩̜̳͎͇͉̟̲͓̤̗̺̽̋̀̀͑̔̀͂́͊͋̆͛̑͒̓̕̕͝o̵̲̯̬̣̲͗͋̈͗ ̸̡̢̧̧̛̜͍̪͈̟̘͕̼̳̫̫͈͔̙͖̖͈̙̄͗̄̑̊͌̈́̿́̂̎̅͗̔̐̆̀͋̈́̋̚͜I̶̼̖͖̳̱̻̬̾̀̆́̂͒̓͛̃̓̐͊̽̒̄̀͋̍̄͒̈̎̿͘̚͜͠͠͝͝ͅ ̵̟͒̐̃́͌ţ̸̨̨̡͓̗̬̩̖̪͇͇̜̜̞̜̺͎̻̠͇̔͗̌̑̽̉̿̈́͋̑͑͂̒̿̏̚̚͜͝͝ͅá̷̡̨̧̰̼̞̘̻̪̻͙̳̮̤̳̻̪͉̖̯͎̫͔̿̅̂̆̈͆͛̃̂̄̒̾̊͗̈́̿͆̈́̽̚̕l̶̢̠͉̻̞̗͙̤̖̳̼̲̗͇̦͙̩̭͖̞̜͓̲͇͆͑̊̇̆͆̋̾͐͐͌̿̑͋̕͜͜͝͠͠ͅk̷̨̨̧̹̤̺̹͍̫̖̗̤̼̹͓̮̺̻̥̜͕͚̘͚͙̊́̿́͜͜ͅͅ ̸̡̨͔̳͈͇̹͈͖̣͕̌̃̊̅̈́̌̀̅̑͒̀̿ͅh̵̨̢̧̜̪̩̫̲̺̞̲̬̹͙̱̰̼̱̙̫̞́̃̓̑̔̊͑̓͑͐̈́͂̅̏̌͗́̈́̋̕ͅe̴̦͔̞̱̠͂̊̔̊͆͋͌̆͒͂͗̊̅̌̊̚̕͠r̷̡̺͈̩͇̠̐̓̀̃̈́͑͐̄͗̓͛ ̵̨̛̗͓͉̫̟̰̹̰̻̖̗̌̉̆͛̀̔͊̆͒͛̿̌͊̏͑͝ǫ̸̯̬̜̫̳͍͚̘̣̪̱̖͈̩͔̗̹͇͎̙̬͗̌͂u̷̧̢̨̨̠͎̤̼̞̙͈̣̞̼͍͎̲̭̙̻̲̬̬͊̅͆̂̽̓̏͂̋́̎͂͗̃̕ͅͅṱ̷̃̐̌̋̈́͒̔͑͜͝ ̵̢̢̰͔̱̗̞̘͙̗̹̗̱̼̜̦͍͇̌̋́́͑͒̽͐̿̀͊͊̕̚̚͘͜͜͝͝͝o̷̱̟̺̥͕̭͙̟̪̤͇̅̀̽̈́̾̿̽͗̾̃̌̓̀͂̋̅͂̌͛̾̈́̽́͊̿̿͘͘ͅf̸̧̠̠̺̯̳̻͈͚͓͈͕͇̞͕̗̳́̿̑̋̑̾́͐̋̇̅͝ ̶̧̧̙͇͉̙̰̖̳̯͓̥͓̣͖͈̼̝͎̭͚̺̪͎̱͛̅̾̋̌̂̒̓̎̾t̴̢̺̟̩̤͇͔̋̊h̷̢̢̡̦̗̤̩̩̱͔̰̤̟̯͖̲͔̄͆̌͌́͊̋̆̃̊̂͑̊̓̓̀͑̂̚̕̚͝͝͝͝į̶͉͕̳̞̘͕̝̪̼̩͚̠̝̟̳͍̥͈̠̼̙̝͈͂͒̔̄͜͜͜s̷̡̨͍̝̰̹͉̩͇̟̙̹͓͈̖̱̺̝͚̼̠̘̘̱̠̙̮̰̃̾̔̓̆̄̈̔̾̃̓͛̊̊͊͛́̑́̿̇͠͝͠͝ͅ?̷̛̤̦̹͔͉̦͌

Ashley says: Whew, friendo! Your distress is so strong just reading this made my eyes stop working for a second! I promise it’ll be okay. Just like I told Rose O., you should never have to change for your partner to want to be with you, and it’s clear to me that you don’t want your girlfriend to change for you, but you have to make sure she knows that as well. Just remind her that you think she’s perfect the way she is. Good luck to you both!